A Common Theme

I looked back at my blog today and realized that, yet again, I have let a long period of time pass without posting anything. I feel the need to post this today, though, because something as fantastic as what is to follow should not only reside in my email inbox or on my beloved iPhone. Since my last post, I have made and kept a wonderful friend that I met on my mission trip to Haiti last summer. Although this trip was through my "home" church, aka my parent's church back home, the majority of the people on the trip were people I'd never met before. I have maintained relationships with a number of those folks and cannot believe that it has been almost a year since I met them all for the first time. These relationships have led to a number of experiences that I could not have expected or predicted a year ago, including but not limited to:

-My first trip to San Diego

-Attending Passion 2013

-A devastating heartbreak

-My first trip to Harry Potter world immediately following the previous bullet point

-Reminiscing my high school days and baring my soul over cookie cake with an old friend and a new friend until 4 AM in my kitchen

-Signing up for a second trip to Haiti and bringing one of my best friends from Columbia along

-Turning 26 (okay, I could have definitely predicted that but it wasn't guaranteed!)

Needless to say, the past year has been a bit of a roller coaster. I woke up a few months ago with my head spinning and could have sworn I was back in June of 2012; that it was all a dream. Through the good, bad and great again, I am back holding onto the same promise that never changed - God is faithful. Do I wake up everyday and say to myself, "my life makes perfect sense and I have zero questions about anything", absolutely not. But do I wake up everyday and know that somehow, some way, it will eventually all make sense? Absolutely, it just may take a reminder from my mom or a friend to get me there, depending on the day. I may be clinching my fist or envisioning myself punching something concrete as I say it, but I have to believe it. Otherwise, it's hopeless. I have so many amazing things in my life that I have to be thankful for! I have seen blessing upon blessing the past few months, things I was blind to before. There will never be a day, this side of heaven, that I wake up and things are perfect. Even when things are seemingly perfect, I am hesitant to admit that because I know that the next trial is on the horizon. Without trials in this life we wouldn't have a need for faith because we'd have it all figured out on our own. What a sigh of relief I can give when I close my eyes and realize that God is up above looking down on my life and has it all under control. What a smile I have when I picture that my beloved grandma is up there with Him, eating all the sweets she wants because she is no longer diabetic, and that they're watching over me. All of this brings me back to the purpose of this blog post. Even though there have been months between my blog posts, it seems that for the most part they have a common theme - WAITING. To my dear friend Elizabeth, you are more of a blessing than you will ever know. I am so thankful that God brought us together in the sweltering heat of Haiti, sharing that wonderful bunk bed because He knew that we'd need each other! Thank you for sharing this poem with me today and I hope it encourages anyone who reads this just as it did for me.

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried; Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate . . .
And the Master so gently said, "Wait."

"Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.

"My future and all to which I relate
Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to wait?
I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign,
Or even a 'no' to which I can resign.

"You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe, We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply."

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate, As my Master replied again, "Wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut, And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting for what?"

He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine . . .
and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.

"I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.
You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint.
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.

"You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair; You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
When darkness and silence are all you can see.

"You'd never experience the fullness of love When the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start, But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.

"The glow of my comfort late into the night, The faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask From an infinite God who makes what you have last.

"You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee, What it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true, But, oh, the loss, if you missed what I'm doing in you.

"So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see That the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.
And though oft My answers seem terribly late, My most precious answer of all is still . . . Wait."


Elevation Worship - Open Up Our Eyes
Elevation Worship - Give Me Faith

Waiting....Patiently....

Have you ever had to wait for something? Better yet, have you had to wait patiently for something? Of course you have, you're human! Because of that simple fact, I'd be willing to bet that it was difficult to wait, not to mention the added obstacle of waiting with patience. I have had many things at various times in life that I have struggled with, but waiting and being patient through the waiting (I'm going to group those together as one thing) is the one struggle that has so graciously been constant for years. (note the sarcasm with that word "graciously") Through our entire lives we will always have things we will have to wait on, but the past few years I have felt as though everything in life is a waiting game. The illustration I have often thought of and used when venting my frustrations on the subject is that so many important areas of my life are just a huge question mark. This may be the case, but the question I have been wrestling with is "is that a bad or good thing?" Well, that all depends on my attitude and outlook on the various situations.

My sweet mama has sat through many tear-filled (on my end) conversations telling her all about how hard my life is, how it's so unfair that this person has this and that person got that, how she doesn't understand, etc. Bless her heart!!! How is it that mamas can always bring out the tears, even when they don't say a word? One of life's mysteries for sure, but I digress. In one of these recent pity-parties I was throwing for myself she, of course, said she sympathized with me and she prays for all of these same things everyday and doesn't know why I don't have answers yet. Then she asked me something that made me come to a screeching halt where I was and really think..."I know you pray about all these things Kaci, but is there some kind of sin that is maybe blocking you from hearing from God?" My immediate thought was "absolutely not!", thank goodness I didn't say that out loud. As I thought about it more though, I knew that was exactly what the problem was. How could I expect the Lord to be faithful and answer all of these huge questions in my life if I wasn't throwing off the chains and sin that were entangling me and SEEKING Him? It's not possible. Long story short, I have made some changes since then and not only am I much more joyful, I have a completely different outlook on all of these huge life situations.

I think our attitude and outlook toward EVERY situation in life can make or break our joy. Everyday is not going to be a great day, that's for sure. Sometimes things happen that just were not in our plan for that day. Choosing to have a good attitude, though, is the best thing I can do each day with each situation. I'm not talking about waking up and saying "I'm going to be in a good mood today" because that doesn't work. I have tried it. This new attitude idea comes from having a heart and mind focused on the right thing. For me that is focusing on God's promises and knowing that no matter what, He is for me and never against me. It's so easy for me to slip into this self-pity mode of "well I guess God just doesn't care about me on this" and as bad as it feels to admit that, I'd be lying if I said that thought never crossed my mind. So over the past few weeks I have really focused on changing my attitude toward the things I have been having to and am still having to wait on.

One visual Beth Moore used in her James Bible study was based on the verse James 1:17 which says "Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows". She used the illustration of gifts. When we see a gift in pretty packaging that has our name on it we are dying to open it. I relate this specifically to Christmas because I am that person who goes and counts my presents then shakes them all, every day until Christmas morning. How disappointed would my mama be if I just decided to open my presents before Christmas morning? I don't even want to entertain that thought, but that is what Beth was getting at. God has all of these precious gifts wrapped up for us but we want to unwrap them before it's time. That's where patiently waiting comes in and it sure is hard sometimes.

As a human, more specifically a girl whose life at 25 is not what I predicted it would be when I was 21, I struggle. But then I take a step back, clear out the negative thoughts, and look at the positive. Ok, so, I am not doing what I thought I would be at this age, but look at all of the blessings that have come from God blessing me with my job. Incredible people to work with and a job I actually enjoy are qualities that can be very hard to find, especially in the same place. I'm not married or even dating anyone, but that just means God's getting me ready for His absolute best who is out there in the world somewhere. In the meantime I have been SO blessed with incredible friendships and had the opportunity to live life on my own as a single, working adult. I get to spend time with my family and friends anytime I want and have been given amazing opportunities to go on mission trips across the world including Haiti this summer. The most exciting thought that makes my heart jump comes from this verse:

"So the Jewish leaders began harassing Jesus for breaking the Sabbath rules. But Jesus replied, 'My Father is always working, and
so am I'.” John 5:16-17 (NLT)

The Lord is always working. No matter how deserted and hopeless a situation may seem, He is always working. He is faithful, he will come through. We have to change our outlook and see these times of trial and frustration as good. James says this in his first chapter:

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of
many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces
perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1:2-4 (NIV)

Notice the words mature and complete, not lacking anything! How wonderful. Now check out the definitions of wait and patience:

Wait (verb)- to stay in place in expectation of

Patient (adj.) - bearing pains or trials calmly or without complaint

Whew! Isn't it great how closely those words relate to the word of GOD?! Love it. I have typed entirely too much but because music is such a huge part of my life, I will wrap this up by mentioning two songs that help me stay hopeful and focused:


While I'm Waiting - John Waller

Psalm 13 - Shane and Shane

Prayer....valuable or not?

So, a friend of mine brought to my attention a news article in the Daily Gamecock entitled "Though healthy, prayer won't solve problems." Hmm...so of course I read the article. The author is a self-proclaimed atheist who, from the title, seems like she will be respectfully explain her thoughts. Initially, it comes off this way, but into the article it seems more like she's attacking the idea that prayer is more than just meditation and can actually work. As is the case with most self-proclaimed, extremely outspoken atheists, she seems like she's just angry and is writing this article with the intent of making Christians mad and hoping they will argue back. On the initial read-through, her mission was accomplished. I was frustrated by what she said and disagreed, but was not angry at what she was saying about Christians. What made me mad was that she was completely discrediting the power of God, which of course was her whole goal. So, instead of writing back to her or commenting on her article, I decided to air out my thoughts here :)

For starters, all of this article stems from Justin Bieber. Really? Great start. He apparently has a song entitled "pray" in which he describes various situations around the world in which he feels powerless to help so he prays. The girl goes on to criticize his music video and says essentially that the only disparities he even encounters are those he's forced to encounter to make him look like a philanthropist in the eye of the media. How does she know?? She doesn't. Sounds to me like she has a problem with Justin and the media.

Next, she says that prayer is nothing but an idea of hoping, not any form of action. She questions why "we" are instilling in the minds of young people that prayer is a way to help resolve hunger, homelessness, diseases in other countries, etc. (Using the word "we" groups her and Justin Bieber together, just saying) If we're talking about young people, what do you expect them to do? Jump on a flight to Africa at age 13 and solve the worlds problems?? Because that's totally within their power. (heavy sarcasm) This next sentence I simply could not paraphrase, I have to include it in quotes:

"This song is a slap in the face to all of those who work for reform — and I
include those who happen to be Christian and work for positive change because I
guarantee any success they’ve gained is not due to falling on their knees in
submission to God." -Emily Shipp, The Daily Gamecock

It's so interesting to me that she "guarantees" that prayer had nothing to do with these things. How did she get that guarantee? I'd love to see her proof. Many people who don't believe in God, don't believe because there "is no proof". Interesting that she claims to have such proof. \

Her closing statement is this:

The whole idea of prayer as a solution is absurd, Bieber Fever is making me
sick and as of now, I am patiently awaiting the next global hit, “Find Practical
Ways to Solve Problems.” - Emily Shipp, The Daily Gamecock

I have seen and encountered and LIVED so many examples in life in which prayer is not only a solution, it is the only solution. I have seen miracles ranging from God providing money in times of need to overcoming the impossible in my friend with her battle of cancer. So, there is no way that anyone can convince me that prayer is not a solution and is not powerful. It's my desire that everyone, including Miss Shipp, would even TRY prayer in their lives and experience the life-changing power of it. Prayer is not just saying words and hoping they'll land somewhere in the universe. It's a conversation with the One who created us! The One who chose to put us on this earth and wants us to come to him with everything in our lives, great or small! It's a privilege and it really works!

It seems that Miss Shipp has a lot more going on than just being bothered by one of Justin Bieber's songs. If she didn't like it, turn it off and be done with it. If she doesn't believe in Christianity, then calmly disagree and state your opinions in a way that is matter-of-fact without trying to anger every Christian out there. I'd love to know why she is atheist because chances are there is something under the surface that she hasn't yet dealt with. Food for thought.

Valentine's Day....

I may be the only person who reads this, but it's just nice to type out my thoughts today!

So, it's Valentine's Day. If you're married, engaged, dating, etc., you have probably already spent a good amount of money, made some good plans, bought cards, or just done something thoughtful for that special person. If you're single, maybe you have chosen to have a friend be your valentine, sent cards to family members, friends, etc., but one thing is for sure, you have probably saved some serious money! Another thing is certain, you're expected to be mouring on this dark day of alone-ness, a/k/a Single Awareness Day. Last year on this day, that certainly was me. The cynical, mourning, feeling-sorry-for-myself girl, hating everyone who had a valentine. I think high calorie fried food, sweets, and a sappy depressing chick flick filled up my valentine's evening last year, counting down the hours til Feb. 15. Especially after seeing the movie "Valentine's Day" where Ashton Kutcher and Jennifer Garner end up together, Taylor Swift and Taylor Lautner are too cute to be real, and all the bad people in the movie end up alone. Talk about depressing for a single girl!

THANKFULLY, this year has been the total opposite!! I decided last week that I was going to make a 3-layer red velvet cake for the first time to bring in to the office, for those of us who don't get roses delivered today. So, yesterday I spent hours going to 4 grocery stores to find food coloring, making the cake, making the icing, and putting the whole thing together. I felt a sense of accomplishment when I was finally done, and resisted the urge to take a bite. In between all the cooking, I had a Single Ladies valentine's dinner with some wonderful girls in my sunday school class, and it was sooo much fun. Just getting to hang out and chat and get to know each other better was a great start to valentine's day.

This morning, I woke up to a text from my dad and this text from the beautiful Lauren Dean:

"How beautiful you are and how pleasing, my love, with your delights!" Song of
Solomon 7:6 Happy Valentine's Day from the One who taught us to love!

As I was leaving for work, I had all of my stuff together, my cake with me, and the 2 valentines I got in the mail so I could open them at work. To my surprise, when I got to the car, there was another card on my window waiting for me. All three cards were so wonderful and were enough to completely make my valentine's day amazing. Having one card from my dad is always great, but especially this year because he's been traveling across the world for the past 2 weeks and still managed to make sure my valentine got to me today! Then, I opened the card that was on my car and it was just so thoughtful, it absolutely made my day. And of course the card from MC was just perfect and sassy, it made me feel great :) The cake at work was a huge hit, the plate was completely empty by lunchtime! Seeing all the deliveries for the ladies in the office has been really fun!

As if all of this wasn't great enough, I got a phone call from my dad (in Turkey) at lunch time, just "calling to tell all his girls happy valentine's day"!!!! I was sooo excited. I just got on twitter a few minutes ago and saw the SWEETEST valentine's gesture ever. From Adam of Owl City to Taylor Swift. So stinking sweet. She needs to go for him! THEN I got a contribution toward London. Unbelievable. Tonight I get to celebrate with a group of amazing girls at bible study! It has been such a great valentine's day!!!

I think the key to enjoying valentine's day as a single lady is this: don't focus on what you don't have, but focus on what you DO have!! This is a great philosophy for every day, but especially today it's very important. I mean, yes, I am a single girl, not in a relationship. But, I have the most amazing family I could ever ask for whom I love so very much, I have incredible friends, I have a job that I actually enjoy, great people to spend time with, and most importantly, I have Jesus! This time of singleness, though some see it as a time of punishment, is such a gift! Now, there will be days where I do not feel that way, but for the majority of the time, I am thankful for this time to grow on my own! And hopefully one day I will have a man to make red velvet cake and lasagna for, but until then I am perfectly content :)

So, all this to say....Happy Valentine's Day 2011!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Kentucky '09!

Wow, so 2 months since my last entry?? Crazy.

This past week was the best Kentucky Missions trip I've had out of the 5 I have been on. I try not to compare years as far as programming and all the logistics of the trip, but this year is categorized as the best because of what God did in my heart and life. For one thing, I wasn't working at the church this summer so I didn't have that responsibility to distract me, and God did a wonderful job of taking away any other distractions that would have gotten in my way. So this being the first year I was completely focused on God had a huge impact, as you can imagine. I was SO blessed to be put in the same group I was in last year, and I know God put us all together for a reason. I love each and every person in my group so so so much and wish I could spend everyday with them in the van! We all got along all week, we all focused on our task together, we all worked together, and we all lifted each other up when things got tough. One of the saddest parts of Kentucky being over is how much I miss the van time with my group, especially since I'm not in the same city as them! {If any of yall are reading this, I REALLY love you all!!!}

Our group led vacation bible schools for the kids in Kentucky, at one church in the morning, and one church at night. Our "night church" was actually led at a gym, but God blessed us with some amazing kids and youth. Lots of familiar faces from previous years were there, but also some new faces. When the youth arrived the first night, I was drawn to a girl named Nicole standing by herself. We talked and hung out that night and the rest of the week I wanted to hang out with her and talk to her. She was so sweet and beautiful, but I could tell there was something she was struggling with. The last night we were there, we had a decision service where Andrew talked to the youth about Jesus and his love for us. During the response time Andrew was playing guitar and the rest of us were standing out front singing and God's presence was so thick in that room that there was no one anyone could fight it off! Many people were moved, Nicole included. After the service she and I walked and talked for a long time and she opened up to me about her life. It was such a heart breaking story, but it brought us so much closer. I was so sad to leave her that night, but I pray everyday that God will keep his hand on her and protect her and show her His love.

The church in the morning was an experience in and of itself. It's located minutes away from Moments with the Master camp, so we picked up all the kids from the camp and brought them to bible school along with the kids from the church. We were amazed at how God had blessed us with the kids he brought, but we were about the only ones. As the week went on and VBS continued, the older members of the church (morning church) didn't like the kids we brought down from the camp, didnt like our skits, didn't think we could handle our kids, etc., so they asked us to not come back for the last day of VBS. Instead, for the last day and the decision service, we would be holding VBS at the camp. When we left the church to head to the college (where we were staying) for lunch that day, we all had mixed emotions of confusion, anger, and sadness. Two of the girls that are members at the church were told by their grandmother that they couldn't come to VBS the next day because their grandmother didn't want them to be around us. Right before we got to the college, we pulled the van over in a parking lot and talked through what had happened and Robyn read a passage from Job. It was a perfect passage for the situation we were in, and somehow in the 10 minutes we were pulled over, our entire outlook changed. I told the group about Ashley, the sweet girl from the camp I had spent the week connecting with. She had told me that morning a heartbreaking story from when she was a child. She followed it up by saying "I only tell people I really care about that story." I shared this with the van, and (through tears of course) told them that God had a plan in the events that had happened that morning. He had a reason for the members kicking us out of their church. He had a reason for moving us to the camp, and I was confident (as was the rest of my group) that God was going to do something so unbelieveable the next day. And guess what....He did! Our decision service the next day was so amazing, and God knew that it wouldn't be the same if it had been at the church. The camp is on a huge area of land with a couple of horses, a few ponds, and a few buildings, but God certainly has His hand on that camp. He blessed our service there; we had kids/youth that gave their hearts to Jesus and some who rededicated their lives that morning. And those kids were the very ones that the church didn't think were righteous enough to be in their church building. God did a work that day, and proved to us that no matter what, He was with us and His plan was more than we could ever have imagined!

So, overall, this was just such an amazing experience for me. God blessed me with 2 wonderful girls who have had their share of heartache and unfair struggles, but I was able to get to know them and love them and experience their love for me as well. This is the first year that I've ever gotten close to specific kids at our VBS so I got to experience what I've been missing out on. Continue to pray for those up in Kentucky, especially Nicole and Ashley.

Love you KY 09 Family!!!!

"Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit" -Matthew 28:19

"but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." -Isaiah 40:31

Steve-O just moved me.

Anyone who has seen Jackass shows, movies, Wild Boys, or MTV news in the last 8 years knows who Steve-O is. He had made his career by getting totally wasted and doing ridiculously stupid stunts. Definitely not a person I'd ever think would go to rehab or change who he is. However, his documentary "Steve-O's Rise and Demise" premiered on MTV tonight....wow. I mean seeing anyone go to rehab and getting their life on track is a great experience, but this documentary is something I recommend highly for everyone. He tells all about his childhood and he first got drunk at age 12 and first smoked weed at age 16-and smoked everyday after that. From then on it was all about getting as wasted as possible and trying anything and everything to get him to that point. He sends out a suicide email and all of the jackass guys-who had been worried about him for long time-showed up and took him to a hospital. From then he started rehab and has since been sober. It was so moving to see him being completely honest and real, telling everything about his life and what was going through his mind through everything. It was so amazing to see that now he actually has something to live for. He is really happy being sober and has found ways to enjoy life without being wasted. For his birthday he threw a big skateboard party for a bunch of kids. He said this was his first sober birthday since he was 16 and said it was the best one yet. The documentary was just such a deep and real look at someone's life who seems to have everything yet is totally empty inside and looking to drugs 24/7 to keep him going. It shows the effect that his mother's death had on him, the effect that fame had on him, his fear of not being in the spotlight anymore, the effect that he's had on his family, and the complete train wreck that he had become from drugs and alcohol. Yet, its so moving to see that he has been saved from that lifestyle and now has a life that is worth living to him. I never really respected him when I would watch Jackass, even though I thought he was hilarious. But now I have a ton of respect for him and the other members of jackass for teaming together to stage the intervention and save Steve-O's life. So, since MTV is known for replaying shows a million times, set aside an hour to watch this documentary, it is definitely worth it!!!